Some people help create their life and some let life create them. In my journey, I am aiming to create my life. I have moments where life seems to get the best of me, but those moments are a battle in my mind. Am I letting it it take over? No I push through a tackle fears, and once a friend said to me, it's the fear of the unknown. I am at a point in my life of a cross road, I either merge right and give up and head up the steep mountain straight ahead. Moments are making me feel like that merge is meant for me, then a glimpse of sunlight shines through the trees at the top of the mountain and I feel a huge stride come on and I aim for the top... It's such an out of body experience, I can hardly explain to help others understand.
Having anxiety is a terrible battle, each day is a struggle. It used to be I couldn't walk into a room if I didn't know 90% of the people, now I am able to walk in with knowing only one and walking out being friends with them all. Some cases not knowing any, it's such a feeling. It's a small battle I have tackled with confidence. Confidence is a such an excellent characteristic to hold. If you have ever been around a few people those with coonfidence sit tall, look impecable, listen clearly, and speak loudly. Those are not literally, it's more a figure of the imagination. We look at others with less judgement then when facing ourselves in the mirror.
When looking yourself in the mirror a positive thought before turning away could change the way your day goes. There's is something called the Law of Attraction. I read it in a book, it's a book I carry with me. When in doubt I look at it, it's my little jolt of push or get up and go. Like a morning coffee....
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Monday, August 15, 2011
Just A Feeling
I wake up going through the strides of life, hoping for a change but effortless to change it. I am filled with emptiness, hatred, frustration, and devastation. Too ignorant to acknowledge the failure I am surrounded by. How do I stop this path how do I redirect my future. Scared and alone, with lots of people to talk but no one to turn to. I can't put this on auto drive and hope for the right destination. I am lost in my soul fighting for an exit. Why can't I find the strength others say I have inside.
I don't know how it happened, or why I am still dealing with it. I watched more than enough, I've endeared more than my share, I have struggled for too long. But I stand still, ignoring the hatred and bottling it up. The wisdom I preach is not the wisdom I walk. I ache inside, I have tears that can't fall. I am crushed in this moment and admitting it all.
Why do I do it, why to I accept it. Do I truly feel I am not worth it.
hen
A relationship should speak of love, happiness, and be cherished. The one I live I hide and run with it. Telling all my possy it's my dream world and proud to live it. I am angry and mad, but have no other outlet. I tick like a bomb, and laugh to hide it. Suddenly, the anger spills all around me, and the true dark colors shoot at him like a magnet.
I look around and ask others to fix it. But I am the one that chooses to live it.
Why doesn't the mirror talk back at me, why can't I see it. The sadness that's lives inside a broken hearted women in love with an alcoholic. I am cheated on everyday with the sip that fills the bottle. The friends that are absent as he sits on his bar seat and laughs with his bottle.
I am disgusted with this life and scared to even address it. I am a coward and I am no longer proud of it.
Stand by me somehow, be the support I need. Give me the crutch the helps me stand on both feet. I beg for support I ache for the help. A cowardly little girl that just wants to close her eyes and run from the pain.
He can't love his daughter when he has only one desire, it's to drink his world into a drunken sorrow, unhappy in his world he brings us down hard. Taking her heart with each lie he tells her. She smiles at her dad, believe he loves her. Her heart will break each time he disappoints her. She will look at mom and wonder why she left him hurt her. She will blame me for giving her a dad that's an alcoholic. If I can't be strong now I won't be strong then. Oh my when will this end.
I don't know how it happened, or why I am still dealing with it. I watched more than enough, I've endeared more than my share, I have struggled for too long. But I stand still, ignoring the hatred and bottling it up. The wisdom I preach is not the wisdom I walk. I ache inside, I have tears that can't fall. I am crushed in this moment and admitting it all.
Why do I do it, why to I accept it. Do I truly feel I am not worth it.
hen
A relationship should speak of love, happiness, and be cherished. The one I live I hide and run with it. Telling all my possy it's my dream world and proud to live it. I am angry and mad, but have no other outlet. I tick like a bomb, and laugh to hide it. Suddenly, the anger spills all around me, and the true dark colors shoot at him like a magnet.
I look around and ask others to fix it. But I am the one that chooses to live it.
Why doesn't the mirror talk back at me, why can't I see it. The sadness that's lives inside a broken hearted women in love with an alcoholic. I am cheated on everyday with the sip that fills the bottle. The friends that are absent as he sits on his bar seat and laughs with his bottle.
I am disgusted with this life and scared to even address it. I am a coward and I am no longer proud of it.
Stand by me somehow, be the support I need. Give me the crutch the helps me stand on both feet. I beg for support I ache for the help. A cowardly little girl that just wants to close her eyes and run from the pain.
He can't love his daughter when he has only one desire, it's to drink his world into a drunken sorrow, unhappy in his world he brings us down hard. Taking her heart with each lie he tells her. She smiles at her dad, believe he loves her. Her heart will break each time he disappoints her. She will look at mom and wonder why she left him hurt her. She will blame me for giving her a dad that's an alcoholic. If I can't be strong now I won't be strong then. Oh my when will this end.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
It's Time to Dress Yourself
Today Caitlin is dressing herself. Where does Caitlin start when she gets dressed? When she woke up she had her pajamas on? She thought about what she was to do first... Well she had to take off her jammies before she could put on her school clothes. Her first step was to take her night gown off and so she did. She squiggled here and pulled there, she had a tough time but soon was able to get her little arms and head out of her night gown, but how was she to put her school shirt on? There were three holes two looked the same and one looked odd? When she looked in the mirror she noticed her arms were the same and her head was definitely a different size. So she tried to put her head in the arm hole?? well that's not going to work she said to the mirror, so she looked again. This time when she tried she put her head into the hole to looked odd the first time. This time it worked her head was in the spot and her arms quickly followed.
Her mommy was watching her quietly, she looked into Caitlin's bedroom and smiled. "Wow look at you? You really can dress yourself, Caitlin. You really really can. I am so proud of you, show me how those school pants go over your feet?? Show me, let me see."
Caitlin looked at her mom and thought I can you'll see. She looked at the pants and the same thing she saw was two holes small and one that was large. She looked in her mirror and thought again... Hmmmm I have two little legs with two little feet and just one waist here as she pointed then thought. I bet these two go here and that part goes there. Let's try this and see oh my yep tadaa.... And she turned to her mom and said, "look at me. I'm dressed, I have on my clothes and I did it myself."
Her mom gave her a hand and a big snuggly hug they were proud together little Caitlin can dress herself with the help of her mirror.
Her mommy was watching her quietly, she looked into Caitlin's bedroom and smiled. "Wow look at you? You really can dress yourself, Caitlin. You really really can. I am so proud of you, show me how those school pants go over your feet?? Show me, let me see."
Caitlin looked at her mom and thought I can you'll see. She looked at the pants and the same thing she saw was two holes small and one that was large. She looked in her mirror and thought again... Hmmmm I have two little legs with two little feet and just one waist here as she pointed then thought. I bet these two go here and that part goes there. Let's try this and see oh my yep tadaa.... And she turned to her mom and said, "look at me. I'm dressed, I have on my clothes and I did it myself."
Her mom gave her a hand and a big snuggly hug they were proud together little Caitlin can dress herself with the help of her mirror.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Twice the Family
I am thankful for all of my situations I have been faced with, especially since they all have molded me into becoming the person I am today. I am not always
100% proud of my choices or decisions, but the beauty in life is htat we most often have another chance, to fogive, to improve, and to make the best of it all.
I have chosen to talk about a challenge I face, even today, with my son and his father. My son's father and I split up when Gavin was 16 months old. While any
break up is tough to with, I won't be discussing that. We made a decision to give up and in htat the of Gavin's life and ours will be normal to Gavin but
certainly nothing I was ever familiar with.
I came from a very solid family, Sunday dinners, picnics, and evening fin in the back yard. Most often it was my immediate family that brought all the fun and
joy. The reality is, not all the rest of the world had that life. When teh time came where my son could start communicating and asking the whys, I was very
sensitive to his feelings, assuming he felt he had missed out on what a family is. It wasn't until my mother said to me; this is all that Gavin knows. He knows his
mom and dad are not together. SO it dawned on me, that Gavin has more than a family together. He gets to twice the family.
As simple as that all sounds, it wasn't so simple, at one point it ached my heart when I would see his smile when talking about the "other" mom. It naturally is
going to crush any mom to know someone else is capable of loving and caring for you child, in time, that pain goes away and a sense of security for your child
takes over. To know that others love him as much as you do, it helps make sense of the situation. His father finding a stable family to raise him in is a
difficult mountain of emotions to climb, but you and will be able to overcome the challenge that you will face in a break up; as long as the decision was made
for the greater good.
Giving up on a relationship is not an easy decision to make, not one that I would recommend. I hope this gives many the opportunity to see that parents who
have chosen to seperate don't have to have a negative relationship when raising children. Learn to compromise, learn to pick your battles, and learn to put
you children first.
As I stated in my first paragraph, I am not proud of all of my decisions, but all of my decisions are why I am where I am today! So take a look at your decisions,
how'd you get to where you are standing today? Ever think about that?
100% proud of my choices or decisions, but the beauty in life is htat we most often have another chance, to fogive, to improve, and to make the best of it all.
I have chosen to talk about a challenge I face, even today, with my son and his father. My son's father and I split up when Gavin was 16 months old. While any
break up is tough to with, I won't be discussing that. We made a decision to give up and in htat the of Gavin's life and ours will be normal to Gavin but
certainly nothing I was ever familiar with.
I came from a very solid family, Sunday dinners, picnics, and evening fin in the back yard. Most often it was my immediate family that brought all the fun and
joy. The reality is, not all the rest of the world had that life. When teh time came where my son could start communicating and asking the whys, I was very
sensitive to his feelings, assuming he felt he had missed out on what a family is. It wasn't until my mother said to me; this is all that Gavin knows. He knows his
mom and dad are not together. SO it dawned on me, that Gavin has more than a family together. He gets to twice the family.
As simple as that all sounds, it wasn't so simple, at one point it ached my heart when I would see his smile when talking about the "other" mom. It naturally is
going to crush any mom to know someone else is capable of loving and caring for you child, in time, that pain goes away and a sense of security for your child
takes over. To know that others love him as much as you do, it helps make sense of the situation. His father finding a stable family to raise him in is a
difficult mountain of emotions to climb, but you and will be able to overcome the challenge that you will face in a break up; as long as the decision was made
for the greater good.
Giving up on a relationship is not an easy decision to make, not one that I would recommend. I hope this gives many the opportunity to see that parents who
have chosen to seperate don't have to have a negative relationship when raising children. Learn to compromise, learn to pick your battles, and learn to put
you children first.
As I stated in my first paragraph, I am not proud of all of my decisions, but all of my decisions are why I am where I am today! So take a look at your decisions,
how'd you get to where you are standing today? Ever think about that?
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Back in Full Swing
Ahhhh, no summer is not officially over, but the day in and day out of sunning, swimming, and playing is getting old. You know what it's like when you just need a break from the weather and some form of change. Well I am ready for some form of a schedule. Sleeping in, drinking 2 pots of coffee, and sunning till 3PM is starting to bore me. I know I am lucky gal to be given this opportunity to find what I love in life and have the time to reflect and most importantly answer to next to no one has been a very wonderful eye opener!
Not many will be able to say they had this opportunity in their lifetime. For me, I am truly blessed and thankful for the life I have been able to lead these last few months. So what to do and how to get the program started? Lots of people have judgement on others, I wonder why they feel the need or obligation to judge. A dear friend just recently had made a stunning statement, "I wouldn't want him to bitch or try to change who I am as a person or what I like to do". This statement just floored me, and what a way to think!
You know each of us have our ways about why and how we do things. None of them are right. They just make sense to us, the person we are. I might get kicked in the butt for mentioning this but it's only because it hit so close to home. One of the Kardashian girls has a child with who she thinks was an alcoholic, I think. A preview for a future episode was that she was making a statement of hoping that Scott didn't come this far just to end back in the same spot he was. Oh the world and the way situations are all so similar no matter who you are is just an intense realization. I wonder sometimes what others think. Look at their family they have just about everything, she fell in love with a guy who has some problems. The other two hotties, have demanded better treatment for themselves. Gonna let that statement go since I am sure somehow it will get me into some sort of trouble. Since I am a nobody talking about a somebody. :)
Just shocking to me, that it's all on what we demand for ourselves. Mind over matter is such a bold statement and expecting more for ourselves is what we get in return. Expect respect and youi get respect, accept bad treatment and continue to receive. We teach others on how to treat us. So much of this is being thrown into my face. A number of layers at that. My children, my boyfriend, my dogs, my family. Each of them treat me the way I allow them to treat me. What an eye opener. And this little essay is really just a babble. Hmmm what I have just taught me is a lot. Wonder how you interpreted this. Let me know! Have a fab day! Give your best and most importantly expect the best! All is a full circle see what comes back your way!
Not many will be able to say they had this opportunity in their lifetime. For me, I am truly blessed and thankful for the life I have been able to lead these last few months. So what to do and how to get the program started? Lots of people have judgement on others, I wonder why they feel the need or obligation to judge. A dear friend just recently had made a stunning statement, "I wouldn't want him to bitch or try to change who I am as a person or what I like to do". This statement just floored me, and what a way to think!
You know each of us have our ways about why and how we do things. None of them are right. They just make sense to us, the person we are. I might get kicked in the butt for mentioning this but it's only because it hit so close to home. One of the Kardashian girls has a child with who she thinks was an alcoholic, I think. A preview for a future episode was that she was making a statement of hoping that Scott didn't come this far just to end back in the same spot he was. Oh the world and the way situations are all so similar no matter who you are is just an intense realization. I wonder sometimes what others think. Look at their family they have just about everything, she fell in love with a guy who has some problems. The other two hotties, have demanded better treatment for themselves. Gonna let that statement go since I am sure somehow it will get me into some sort of trouble. Since I am a nobody talking about a somebody. :)
Just shocking to me, that it's all on what we demand for ourselves. Mind over matter is such a bold statement and expecting more for ourselves is what we get in return. Expect respect and youi get respect, accept bad treatment and continue to receive. We teach others on how to treat us. So much of this is being thrown into my face. A number of layers at that. My children, my boyfriend, my dogs, my family. Each of them treat me the way I allow them to treat me. What an eye opener. And this little essay is really just a babble. Hmmm what I have just taught me is a lot. Wonder how you interpreted this. Let me know! Have a fab day! Give your best and most importantly expect the best! All is a full circle see what comes back your way!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Are you Living Your Dream?
Many are asked at a young age ,"what do you want to be when you grow up". Little minds have no idea what to make of this question. Many have dreams beyond their capabilities, such as a little boy who wants to be a famous football player or a rock star. Over time, the dream is altered, a little more thought is put into it and soon he realizes the woork it takes to be that football player or rock star. It's funny how big the dreams are when the little minds are at work. The work to be put into that dream is not even a thought to be considered, just the end result. It's so simple in their mind to be that football star or the rock star.
Awe remember when the life dream seemed so easy? Then grown up reality sets and and life is just a little bit harder than it looked when Mom and Dad were running the show. So are you letting the struggle get in the way? Are you working your dream job? Do you have your dream home?
Life is so simple when it comes down to what makes us happy. A nice meal with firends, a few new pair of shoes, a smile on our kids' face, finding a great deal at a second hand store or a yard sale. Here's hoping all of us have our dreams within reach and happiness fills our lives.
Awe remember when the life dream seemed so easy? Then grown up reality sets and and life is just a little bit harder than it looked when Mom and Dad were running the show. So are you letting the struggle get in the way? Are you working your dream job? Do you have your dream home?
Life is so simple when it comes down to what makes us happy. A nice meal with firends, a few new pair of shoes, a smile on our kids' face, finding a great deal at a second hand store or a yard sale. Here's hoping all of us have our dreams within reach and happiness fills our lives.
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