Just A Feeling

I wake up going through the strides of life, hoping for a change but effortless to change it.  I am filled with emptiness, hatred, frustration, and devastation.  Too ignorant to acknowledge the failure I am surrounded by.  How do I stop this path how do I redirect my future.  Scared and alone, with lots of people to talk but no one to turn to.  I can't put this on auto drive and hope for the right destination.  I am lost in my soul fighting for an exit.  Why can't I find the strength others say I have inside. 
I don't know how it happened, or why I am still dealing with it.  I watched more than enough, I've endeared more than my share, I have struggled for too long.  But I stand still, ignoring the hatred and bottling it up.  The wisdom I preach is not the wisdom I walk.  I ache inside, I have tears that can't fall.  I am crushed in this moment and admitting it all.
Why do I do it, why to I accept it.  Do I truly feel I am not worth it. 
hen
A relationship should speak of love, happiness, and be cherished.  The one I live I hide and run with it.  Telling all my possy it's my dream world and proud to live it.  I am angry and mad, but have no other outlet.  I tick like a bomb, and laugh to hide it.  Suddenly, the anger spills all around me, and the true dark colors shoot at him like a magnet. 
I look around and ask others to fix it.  But I am the one that chooses to live it. 
Why doesn't the mirror talk back at me, why can't I see it.  The sadness that's lives inside a broken hearted women in love with an alcoholic.  I am cheated on everyday with the sip that fills the bottle.  The friends that are absent as he sits on his bar seat and laughs with his bottle. 
I am disgusted with this life and scared to even address it.  I am a coward and I am no longer proud of it.
Stand by me somehow, be the support I need.  Give me the crutch the helps me stand on both feet.  I beg for support I ache for the help.  A cowardly little girl that just wants to close her eyes and run from the pain. 
He can't love his daughter when he has only one desire, it's to drink his world into a drunken sorrow, unhappy in his world he brings us down hard.  Taking her heart with each lie he tells her.  She smiles at her dad, believe he loves her.  Her heart will break each time he disappoints her.  She will look at mom and wonder why she left him hurt her.  She will blame me for giving her a dad that's an alcoholic.  If I can't be strong now I won't be strong then.  Oh my when will this end.